Lodo Grdzak's Prescription For Better Living:

Regular readers know I like to smoke a lot of weed; drink a lot of booze; pop a lot of pills, and listen to live music. Apart from sex, these are the most pleasant ways I know to spend this intermission between states of existence known as life.

I have a real strong spirit and life-force; but my body breaks down easily. Especially in winter. I tend to get boozed-up to brace for the freezing temps, only to lose my ability to sense cold by the end of the night. It might be 25 degrees outside, but I’ll be oblivious as I walk back to the train with my jacket open and my hoodie unzipped. Drunk, high and sweat-drenched from the crowded bar or club, I’ll get home exhausted and pass out for 10 hours in dreamless sleep.

But so far there’s always been tomorrow.

Course if tomorrow’s a workday I may have to walk a mile or so in the cold to my appointment. Then I’ll enter one of these hundred year-old buildings in East New York or the Bronx with the radiator heat turned-up to 95. Sends my internal thermometer into apewire confusion. Couple that with the 500 people that have pulled the front door handle with their grubby hands and the thousands more who’ve sneezed into their palms while they held the handrail on the 6 train and you’ve got one sick Lodo Grdzak.

Luckily I have a great doctor. By now he knows me well enough where I can basically secure a prescription for a Z-Pack over the phone without an office visit. In fact, he must have some kind of arrangement with the makers of Z-Pack ‘cause no matter what my ailment, it somehow requires a Z-Pack prescription.

“What’s the problem today Lodo?”

“Ah, my back’s killing me Doc.”

“Really? You probably need a few physical therapy sessions.”

“I’d appreciate that if you can swing it.”

“Sure,” he’ll respond as he writes out the prescription to give to my health provider, “...And here’s one for a Z-Pack, you may need it.”

I have to say my doctor’s pretty liberal with the prescriptions. I like that about him. Not that he’s a quack or doesn’t genuinely consider my symptoms; but he seems to have a lot of respect for my ability to medicate myself.

Last time I had a sinus infection was around May of last year. That one was pretty serious, so we went through a real in-person examination. When we were done he led me back to his office.

“Alright Lodo, it’s pretty obvious to me you’ve got another sinus infection. Pretty bad one this time, with some upper respiratory symptoms as well. I’m writing you a prescription for a Z-Pack and an antihistamine. You know you’ve gotta finish the whole regimen.”

“Oh yeah doc, I know the drill.”

My doctor finished writing the prescriptions and slid them across the table.

“What else?” he asked me. “Anything else?”

“...Yeah doc. Actually, my knee’s been bothering me. If I ride that scooter it gets real sore.”

“Well you’re getting old Lodo, time to put that stuff aside. Especially with your back. ...Here,” he said as he began to write a prescription, “this is for Naproxen. This’ll be real good, but you gotta be careful. Take it with food ‘cause its strong. It’ll chew up your gut.”

“Thanks doc,” I repeated as I grabbed the 3rd prescription off the table.

“We good?” he asked again with a smile.

I smiled in return, but remained seated.

“...Actually doc, I’m taking a flight out to Denver in a few weeks and was wonderi...”

Before I even finished my sentence my doctor began to scribble another illegibly written prescription on his pad.

“You need some Xanax?,” he said. “How many?”

“How many? Oh,..uh...actually, I was kind of hoping I could get some Ambien.”

“Oh, you prefer the Ambien? Sure, I can give you some of that. Will a half-dozen do it?”

“Oh sure,” I said as I reached across his desk and grabbed the hastily written Ambien prescription. “ Really appreciate it.”

“Of course,” he said as he stood up with a wry smile, and shook my hand.

“Oh look,” he said as his eyes fell to the table. “I already wrote that prescription for the Xanax. Why don’t you take it, you might prefer it over the Ambien.”

“Oh wow, thanks doc!”

So yeah, my doctor’s always been real cool and I assumed he’d be so again tonight.

‘Cause again, I’ve got another sinus infection!--and even an ear infection to boot. So tonight we went through the whole drill, just like last time. I got my Z-Pack and after waiting for an appropriate time, I subtly mentioned.

“Gosh doc, I’m going to Denver again in two weeks. Any chance I can get some Ambien? Or maybe some of that Xanax? Its a long flight and I get nervous when I fly.”

“Sure,” he said, “I hate that shit. With the security and the stress and all that. ...Let me just see here,” he said as he looked at my file. “...Looks like a gave you a dozen Xanax last time you were here. You finished those?”

“Oh,...uh, yeah. I just started a new job in September and I’ve been under a lot of stress.”

The doc nodded his head and appeared to take note of my demeanor before he returned to my chart.

“..And I gave you a half-dozen Ambien. Those are done too?”

“Oh, yeah. I,...uh, used them on that flight. Plus I went back to Denver in August. Its a long story.”

Again he nodded his head. Silence ensued for what felt like a long time until he finally spoke up.

“Listen Lodo, I don’t just dole-out pills without considering what’s best for my patient. You know that don't you?”

“Definitely,” I responded eagerly even as my spirit began to sink. “I don’t think you’d do that.”

“Good,” he responded, “ ‘cause I wouldn’t do that.”

Silence returned to the office. I could hear the second-hand on his wall clock as I dejectedly watched the doctor write in my manila file notes.

“...So listen Lodo, you’ve gotta tell me,” he said as his looked up from the desktop."

“Yeah.”

“Which did you like better, the Xanax or the Ambien? ‘Cause I can give you a dozen Xanax, but only three or four of those Ambiens. What d’ya think?”

What did I think reader? Ha!